Many Myths Are Based In Truth

Jerry Couchman was my archenemy. He was a class clown. He was a smart assed kid. He was loud and obnoxious. He was the boy version of me. I hated that he could wiggle his ears. And big ears they were, accentuated by his crew cut. 

That year my favorite show was Star Trek. The original Star Trek. Not that mamby pamby spinoff Next Generation. Not Deep Space Nine. The Enterprise fashioned from a flashlight and a paper plate.

I was enamored of Mr. Spock. He had the ability to Not Feel. He did not care if no one wanted to play with him at recess. He didn’t get spankings or feel remorse at his misgivings. He certainly was not Stupid. He was smart. Smarter even, maybe, than my grampa. He could raise one eyebrow to indicate that you, clearly, were Wrong. The single eyebrow raise that I now use to indicate my feeling that you are full of shit. I gave that look to the school photographer that year, and later on to Santa Claus.

But those ears! If I had ears like that, no amount of wiggling would trump. Jerry Couchman could eat it. And thus I sat day after day at my desk, two unsharpened pencils, writing ends standing on the desk top, eraser ends tucked firmly into the top fold of my outer ear, my head and gravity providing the resistance that would eventually create the points.

A short attention span does not lend itself to the time consuming task of changing the shape of one’s ears, and I gave up. I can wiggle my ears now, though. And raise Both eyebrows individually, rapidly even, forming a wave.

So eat it, Jerry Couchman.

"Many myths are based on truth, captain."

- Spock, on the existence of Eden in the episode, "The Way to Eden".

- Spock, on the existence of Eden

Hello??? Is this the party to whom I am speaking?

Dear Phone App Inventors,

I would like a new app. A ring tone app. Yeah, I know, there are a million of them already.  Currently on my Blackberry Tour I can assign different tones to email, to text messaging, to  SMS and MMS (and to ABC, THC and ADHD). And I can do that for Everyone in my address book.

Problem is, only one person calls me. (Yes, I admit, I only got the Crackberry because I wanted to fit in with the cool kids but could not afford an iPhone. Yes, I DO go on and on about how Blackberry is every bit as good , if not better, than iPhone and about how badly AT & T sucks.)

Back to the point. I need a ring tone app. I need a Carousel ring tone app. See, I really like that one person who calls me. And I really liked the song I assigned to her number.  But it’s the only song I ever hear and I am now sick of it. Now, if I really Was one of the cool kids and my phone was blowin up (do they still say that, or did it die with the Beepers?) I’d hear different songs all day. What I would like is to hear a different song every time that one special person calls. And I don’t want to change the setting all the time. And I don’t want it to Shuffle and pick random songs from my entire music library because, frankly, I don’t have great taste in music and I don’t want to offend anyone while I’m in public.

Do you think you can help me out with this, Phone App Inventors? I’d really appreciate it!

Lisa

Let Your Intentions Be Known

Speaking of driving, does it piss you off when drivers don’t use their turn signal? I’m betting you answered yes, because everyone I’ve ever asked has answered yes. Even friends who I know for a fact do Not use their turn signals. It’s such a prevalent peeve, yet such a flagrant act, that it almost seems there must be some misunderstanding. That’s it, I think. It’s a Big, Fat Misunderstanding! I mean, why call it a Turn Signal? Or, the technical name, directional. I can SEE what direction you’re going. You’re doing it Right In Front of me. Oh, I can Tell you are turning right from your left hand lane or trying to position your car in a space in the lane which my car already occupies. I can SEE you doing it. Now, if I just had a little advanced warning. If only there were some way I could know beforehand what your intentions are………

OH!! What if cars had Intentionals? I mean, sure there would be some kind of financial burden. We’d all have to take our cars in to the dealerships, losing an hour or two of pay at work, so they could white out the word Directional in the handbook and replace it with Intentional. I’m sure it would cost at Least a hundred and fifty dollars. But think of all the confusion it would save, not to mention LIVES!! In fact, the world could probably exist in peace if Only We Knew what the other drivers’ intentions were. 

I’m gonna vote for it, how about you?

(brought to you by this conversation in the car with my 8 year old son)

Son:  Mom, why can’t the world just exist in peace?

Me:  Sweetie, people can’t even seem to use their turn signals on the freeway. How do you think we can achieve peace?

Son: True.