So it happened. Who knows how--maybe from hour upon hour of sitting on your ass Facebooking with every elementary, junior and high school mate you ever knew (or didn't know until now.) Maybe you have a desk job (see above). Maybe you're actually really fit, but you stay that way cycling. In any case, even though you're young, you developed a small (tiny, really, barely Noticeable!!) case of..................
HEMORRHOIDS
Too embarrassed to ask your doctor, you called your mom. Coyly you asked if She'd ever suffered from this ailment, "...because, you know, a rather young friend of mine says he has this problem, and well, how would I know what to do?" Your mom (who Still knows Everything you do, by the way) suggests Tucks pads. She's street savvy enough to know if you walk up to the register with a tube of Prep H, even the 14 year old cashier will know your problem. But who the hell even Knows what Tucks pads are?
So you take your mom's advice, none's the wiser, and a few wipes of the fault line later you're itch/pain free and all is well. Well...
Except now you have this jar of Tucks pads hanging out in the bathroom. You don't want to throw them away, but what good are they? That's a good question.
I wonder if they'd be good for razor rash? I mean, they decrease inflammation and itch, right? Well if they decrease inflammation, will they work on eye bags? I've heard of people using Prep H for eye bags, but who wants to walk around with a greasy face that smells like Granny's ass? In that case, I wonder if they have any affect on spider veins? I mean, hemorrhoids are basically varicose veins in your butt, right? (The answer is Yes, by the way.)
Okay, so I went to the store and bought some Tucks pads. No, of Course I don't have hemorrhoids!! Do they work for razor burn? They seemed to help with the dreaded Bikini Shave. You know, the one that leaves you hobbling like a gimp two days later and looking for elasticless panties and clothes that don't cling.
They "seemed" to help with eye bags from lack of sleep. However, as for the circles that exist because you are Old and your skin is thinning around the eyes...Well, I wouldn't know, of course. I'll get back to you in a few decades. haha!
If anyone wants to test the spider/varicose vein theory, let me know. We'll post the results of your scientific study here.
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